Everybody knows that the number one rule when ordering in a fast food restaurant is to decide what you want before getting in line.
However, this morning during rush hour, the Prince of Denmark, known as “Hamlet”, created a scene at a local fast food restaurant, angering several customers.
“He walked through the doors his doublet all unbrac’d, no hat upon his head, pale as his shirt, his knees knocking each other, and with a look so exhausted as if he had of late lacked all his sleep and caffeine,” said Ophelia, a nearby witness, also known to be Hamlet’s girlfriend.
According to other witnesses and security cameras, Hamlet stumbled into the restaurant, his appearance and behavior disturbing several customers trying to eat. A couple of minutes later, he got in line behind two people and stood with his head staring at the ceiling, followed by a couple of heavy sighs. Meanwhile, eight others lined up behind Hamlet, observing him with concern. A local nurse was seen holding his arm, constantly asking if he was alright, while her husband considered calling 911.
When the Prince finally made his way to the cashier counter, he stood for several minutes staring at the menu above him, while both the cashier and customers stood, tapping their feet and checking their watches.
The cashier asked him: “Excuse me, sir. How may I help you?”
The Danish Prince tilted his head upwards, let out another huge sigh, and said something along the lines of “Hamburger or salad…that is the question…” His voice was inaudible for many, including the cashier. Fortunately, Polonius, a customer behind him managed to record what Hamlet was saying on his phone:
“Hamburger or salad – that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the body to suffer heart attacks as a result of obesity, or to distress my watering taste buds, by opposing their juicy beef-pattied desire? To crave, to fatten; to fatten, enlarge the diameter of my tummy. Ay, there’s the rub; for in that extra flesh gained what diseases may come, when we have satisfied every taste bud on the tongue, must give us illness. There’s the respect that makes healthy meals so essential for life; for who would bear the mushiness of avocados and the blandness of all vegetables, when he himself might end his endless hunger with a single French fry? Who would these ones bear, to starve and suffer on an overwhelming diet, but that the consequence of something after that satisfying richness of burgers – the blocked passageways of arteries, followed by a painful chest and a possible death – puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear the diet we have than risk what health critics warn us of. Thus obesity does cause suffering of us all..”
The jangling, ear-piercing roars and threats from angry customers attracted the attention of several police. Polonius was quick to leave the line, approach the police, and play them the recording on his phone.
“This is the very cause of this scene. This man hath kept those poor fools waiting to order their meals. Since brevity is the soul of wit and that all danger must be prevented in this town, I shall speak no more, but report this crime to you immediately, ” said Polonius to Sergeant Claudius who was busy polishing off the remains of the donut he was eating.
The drama came to an end when Officer Horatio, Hamlet’s good friend, put his arm around him, whispered something about a ghost, and the two walked out the door. Neither witnesses nor cameras caught the exact words that managed to move the Prince of Denmark out of the restaurant.
Written by Isabelle Ma, Summer Student